"Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,Thou mine inheritance, now and always:Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art."
Hmm...I just got out of my counseling session this evening. I always leave heavy...heavy because God speaks to me directly on very specific issues. All week the Spirit has been speaking to me through Galatians about freedom, grace, and faith. Reading"But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir", lit a flame in my heart! That verse makes me want to shout! At the same time, there is a still small deceptive voice that honestly is not sure if she believes that. So that's it? There's nothing for me to DO? Please don't get me wrong, I grew up witnessing and sharing the gospel since elementary....but did/do I truly understand what the Gospel means for me personally? I mean, beyond my "mansion in the sky."
Man, I struggle desperately with the idea of GRACE. Dictionary Def: the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. I don't deserve this! Surely God will wake up one day and see that Julie Griffin just wasn't worth it! How can I win the approval of a God who has already given me his stamp of approval through His Son? Wow, the truth comes out. For most of my life, I have been seeking the APPROVAL of others. I'm just going to be honest and blunt, that's what blogs are for, right? I crave that Pat On The Back, Atta Girl!, Good Job, and any form of praise I can get. This is disgusting and I am ashamed! Full of pride, self-sufficiency, anger and learning well to cover it all up and present it as a beautifully manicured distorted-yet more appealing-picture of...me.
This is certainly not the first time I've discovered my less than perfect attributes. So why is it that I am STILL struggling with truly allowing the gospel (meaning Grace, Forgiveness, and Surrender) to sink deep into the corridors of my heart? What holds me back? Is it because I do not see this sin for what it really is? What do you think about having an "idol" like Fear of Abandonment or Approval of Others? These are my idols that I guard with everything I have. Until I let go and see that Jesus Christ went through the pain of being Abandoned by His Father (My God My God Why has thou forsaken me!), until I see that he suffered the pain of disapproval from most of the world, until I see that he was tormented beyond my imagination ALL JUST for ME! I'll still ache in the belly of my soul. It will eat me up inside.
Whoever reads this, I know this is intense and I am vulnerably laying myself out there. If you feel lead, say a prayer for me. I know the Holy Spirit is doing a great work in my heart. The Path of Healing is much longer than I expected it to be. I'm SO thankful that this is where I am at right now. I had to learn that it's OK to NOT know all the answers. It's OK to be confused, because I've found over the past 8 months...that this is the exact spot where God comes in to work. This has been an exciting journey...I love you Lord. Please help me to understand your grace-I want it so badly! Uncover my "rose colored glasses" and let me see the depth and wickedness of my sin. Help me to see how much I need you. Keep me honest and vulnerable...I hate shows, faceds, and acts...please help me to stop playing them. Frankly, I AM A MESS! :) Thank you for loving this messy, broken, chipped, scared, and wounded piece of clay. Continue to shave away the unwanted pieces of me.
Once again I am reminded of " Julie.. Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" Gal 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onxhvivQYfI <-So good!