Saturday, February 28, 2009

Still Healing

One week before December 19th 2008, I found out that I was 5 1/2 weeks pregnant! I was overjoyed with excitement and nervousness. Stephen and I had been waiting for about 6 months for this moment. After our young adult service was over on a Thursday evening, Stephen finally made is way home around 11:30pm. I had the POSITIVE pregnancy test hidden and had planned to surprise him! We were just about to go to fall asleep and I walked over to his side of the bed, gave him a kiss, and said, "Good Night and I love you DADDY!" I don't know if he caught it at first but then I handed him the pregnancy test and we both basked in the knowledge of our little blessing on the way.

Since I am a researcher and usually over think almost everything, I went to Borders right away and bought my 1st pregnancy books. :) I now understood why I was pudgy in the stomach, throwing up at work, nauseous, CRAVED carbs, unbelievably exhausted, and had a swirl of emotions flying around. Just the normal stuff! Of course, I have already had a running list of baby names going since I was 15 years old...so that was covered. We had fun calling each other mommy and daddy and I thought it was especially cute when Stephen would talk to my stomach. We finally told all the family and a few close friends...It was nice to have support and love.

You may think that all of this was a bit outrageous for only knowing about the pregnancy for 1 week...but when we had been waiting for this for 6 months...it was everything to us. It caused us to think very seriously about the near future and what actions we needed to make to prepare. I loved thinking about being a mommy and finally beginning that chapter of our lives.

It was Friday before Christmas, and we were watching "It's a Wonderful Life". I LOVE that Christmas movie. :) When I sensed very strong cramps as we were sitting there and decided to check things out. I didn't want to believe it, but I didn't have a choice...I was having a miscarriage. All of those little dreams and plans were being ripped out of our hands. Well, that's what it felt like. It lasted for about 1 week. I cried for hours and would find myself breaking down randomly throughout the day. I had felt no other pain quite like that one...physically and emotionally. We had questions, Why? How could you? It's not fair! God definitely used this (and is still using it) to speak to my life.

This painful experience allowed God to speak to me about other "losses" that I have had in my life. I finally was able to stop my denial and face some hard things of my past/present. God helped me come to grips with the truth and gave me the strength to let go. It did not help the pain of losing my baby go away...but He did remind me that HE is in control and I have TRUST Him.

Well...It's been 2 months since that time. This morning I was sitting at Einstein Bagel's and I read Eccl. 6 when I came across these verses:
"If a man begets a hundred children and lives many years, so that the days of his years are many, but his soul is not satisfied with goodness, or indeed he has no burial, I say that a still born child is better than he- For it comes in vanity and departs in darkness, and its name is covered with darkness. Though it has not seen the sun or known anything, this has more rest than that man, even if he lives a thousand years twice-but has not seen goodness. Do not all go to one place?
This spoke volumes to me today. I believe God was sending me some comfort through his Word reminding me that our little baby "has...rest". I don't know how meeting innocent babies in Heaven works...but I'm satisfied knowing that it's at rest.

He is able, He's able, I know He is able, I know my Lord is able to carry me through...
Good Night

2 comments:

  1. Your openess and honesty is so touching and so very Christ-like. My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for your loss. God's blessings to you...

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  2. Thanks for your encouragement Jen! That is one of the reasons I appreciate your blog so much as well. I know everything happens for a reason so it's neat to see the progress of how the future unfolds and the reasons why things happened the way they did.

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